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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Anonymous

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Anonymous

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Anonymous

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Anonymous

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven....
Brian O'Rourke

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
Capital Brewery, Middleton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
David Moulton

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway - For Whom the Bell Tolls

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut
Ernest Hemmingway

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline –it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink
G.K. Chesterton

I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Homer Simpson

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Jack Handy - Deep Thought

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W.C. Fields

They who drink beer will think beer.
Washington Irving

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor.
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -- His reply
Winston Churchill

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill